


how in the hell did no one hear me scream

by infernalstars



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Dream was abusive, Family Issues, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Older Siblings Wilbur Soot and Technoblade, Other, Phil Watson is Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit's Parent, Sleepy Bois Inc Angst, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, Technoblade Has ADHD (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade Has a Bad Time (Video Blogging RPF), Tommy straight up kills Dream, TommyInnit Has ADHD (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, Wilbur Soot has abandonment issues, adoption fic, murderer tommy pog!!!, no beta we die like dream does in his fic lol, phil is a good dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-22 23:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30046665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: “and you sit there / at the bottom, looking up. / wondering, / how in the hell / did no one hear me scream?” -l.t.or,in which tommy killed his abusive foster parent and is placed in a new home after time spent in jail
Comments: 26
Kudos: 356





	1. humans are fucked up

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: talks about death, abuse (lmk if i missed smthn)
> 
> about the characters, not the actual ccs :) 
> 
> quite short but enjoy

Tommy was numb, listening to the yelling in the kitchen. 

“HE KILLED SOMEONE!” one of his new brothers shouted. 

That was true. 

“IN SELF DEFENSE, TECHNO!” Phil’s voice countered. 

That was sort of true. 

“THE MAN HE KILLED ABUSED HIM FOR YEARS. HE HAD THAT COMING!” Phil says before the others can respond. 

That was probably true. 

Tommy didn't regret it, regardless. He’d killed Dream, his foster father, and he didn't regret it. 

How many times had Dream threatened his life? In the end, it was a toss up. It was his life or Dreams. Tommy made a choice and he doesn't regret it. 

That's not what he tells his therapist though. He learned quickly that saying that sort of shit gets you sent to the hospital and gets you stuck in weird drugs. 

Dream had kept him on a regular dose of what he thought was ADHD medication, but ultimately was not. 

Tommy sighed, rolling onto his back. There was no way he was getting sleep tonight. Not with their yelling, and adjusting to the new space. 

He eyed the window across the room and got up. He threw it open to get fresh air. 

His eyes immediately went up to the sky. He frowned. Dream lived in the middle of nowhere. Tommy saw the stars every night there. Phil’s noise was surrounded by other similar, cookie cutter houses. 

Plenty of light pollution. 

Tommy decided that close neighbors were safer. Just in case. 

Phil truly didn't seem like the type to hurt him, or his kids, but Tommy knew this part of him would never be silenced. He'd have to live with it for forever. 

He jumped at the knock on his door. 

“Come in,” he said, preparing to be yelled at, sent back, whatever. 

He could take it. He was a big man. 

It was Wilbur. Phil’s younger son. 

“Hey,” he said, stepping inside. He shut the door, muffling Techno and Phil’s voices. “I'm sorry about them.”

Tommy shrugs. “Nothing I'm not used to.”

Wilbur nods. “Techno...he’ll come around. This happened when I got here, too.”

“Oh?”

“At my last house...I had a bad episode. Violent,” he said quietly. “Techno is...he’s protective of Phil.”

Tommy just nods. “I did kill him. It's not like he’s wrong about me.”

“I want to say I'm sorry, but that feels wrong.”

“God, please don't.”

Wilbur accepts this. “Mind if I stay a bit? They'll be up for a while so I won't be able to sleep.”

“Don't like arguing?”

“No. Just can't sleep alone in my room. Techno and I bunk,” he explained. 

“I didn't...take one of your rooms did I?”

“Nah, you just stole Phil’s office that he never used.”

Relief floods him for a moment. It's almost embarrassing how scared he was for a moment. 

He looked back up at the sky. If he squinted hard enough he could make out some of the brighter stars. 

“I’M NOT STAYIN’ HERE WHILE THERE'S A MURDERER HERE!” Techno’s voice roared followed by the slamming of a door. 

He could distantly hear a car start and cringed. He felt guilty, yes, but he was relieved to have Techno out of the house. Maybe he’d sleep better tonight. 

A moment later there was a knock on the door. Before Tommy could answer, Wilbur was opening up the door. 

Phil stood there, looking exhausted. He smiled at Wilbur and Tommy. 

“Sorry about Techno, he doesn’t adjust to new people well,” he said with a smile. 

“Is he okay?” Wilbur asked, fidgeting with his sleeves.

“He’s fine, Wil. He’ll probably go drive to Niki’s for the night. Don’t worry about him,” Phil assured his son. “You can stay in my room tonight, okay?” 

He nodded, slipping past him and down the hall. 

“I’m sorry about Techno, really,” Phil said to Tommy. 

Tommy just shrugged. “He didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I’m a murderer.” 

“Tommy, Dream would have killed you--” 

“Yeah and I killed him. And I’d fucking do it again,” he said. “Don’t sugar coat it.” 

Phil was at a loss for words. He scratched the back of his neck. “Right. Well, you know where I’ll be if you need anything.” 

Tommy nods and watched the door closed. He sits down underneath the window.


	2. lack of oxygen taking hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how tommy killed dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um so this is like ... a smidge graphic and kinda disturbing so read at your own risk.
> 
> feel free to skip this chapter if you will be triggered or upset by descriptions of violence, death, blood, gore or abuse. 
> 
> :)
> 
> Please enjoy c!tommy murking c!dream 
> 
> ps. other chapters will be longer

“Tommy?” Dream shouted. 

Tommy heard him walking. He clutched the kitchen knife with a trembling hand. Tears blurred his vision. White spots dotted his vision.

He was certain he was having what his teachers called a panic attack. He thought he might throw up. But he couldn't. Not now. Not yet. 

“Tommy! Come on out!” he screamed. “I JUST WANT TO TALK!” 

Tommy flinched. His ribs were bruised and his head throbbed. Dream had hit him over the head and kicked him in the ribs. Everything hurt. Dream did not just want to talk, the pain in his sideways evidence enough. He wanted to drug him, subdue him, punish him. Control him. 

He knew that much. He'd told himself this as a mantra the last few nights. He kept saying it. It was all that kept him going. It's what got him here. 

He took a long, calming breath, shifting under the bed as Dream threw open the door. There was a loud bang as it hit the wall. Tommy heard the drywall crack. He covered his mouth, trying not to let out a cry of fear.

Dream started walking towards the bed. He threw off the covers. How dumb did Dream think he was? Before he took a step away Tommy lashed out. He cut his achilles tendon and Dream went down with a cry of pain. 

He scrambled out, grabbing the lamp off his bed and throwing it at him. 

It hit him smack in the face. 

Dream put a hand over his nose as it started gushing blood. Tommy raised the knife over his head and Dream fucking laughed. He laughed. 

Tommy froze. 

“You can’t do it,” he laughed, spitting out blood. “Stop fighting me. After all I’ve--” 

Tommy drove the knife home. Three times to his head. 

He collapsed over the body, sobbing hysterically. 

He felt Dream's chest when it stopped moving mere moments after he stabbed him. He felt the moment he was free. 

He picked up the phone with bloodied hands. He called the cops on himself. His voice unwavering as he confessed to killing Dream. Euphoria rushed through him, even as he was loaded into the back of a cop car. 

He didn't care. 

Dream was dead and he was free.


	3. with a need for affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy and techno finally talk & dadza takes tommy shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentions of death and abuse, lmk if i need to add others

Tommy sat at the kitchen table watching Wilbur cook. He kept muttering to himself, frantically moving about the kitchen. It made Tommy very anxious. 

He tapped his foot against the floor, enjoying the morning. He’d actually managed to sleep some last night. A relief. 

He wasn't sure the last time he’d gotten a full night's rest. Likely before he met Dream. Definitely before he met Dream.

The peace of the morning did not last long. He heard the door unlock.

Techno moved through the house relatively silently, only the sound of him kicking off his shoes sounded. A moment later he was in the kitchen, glaring at Tommy. 

He went straight for the coffee pot instead of speaking to Tommy. Wilbur seemed to calm down with Techno finally home. His cooking went from frantic to soothing as he started humming.

Tommy chewed his fingernails, keeping his eyes down cast. Don't stare, don't watch. Behave. He could do that, despite popular belief. 

Dream hated, hated, hated eye contact. Staring. If Tommy stared too long, Dream thought he was watching, planning. He was right in the end. 

“I'm sorry about last night,” Techno said quietly. “Calling' you a murderer and the yellin'...”

“Well, I did kill him,” Tommy said through his teeth. 

This is what upset him more than being called a murderer. The people who tried to convince him that he wasn't bad. That because it was self defense, it wasn't murder. 

He killed Dream. Full stop. 

“I'm sorry if I upset you,” he told Techno. 

Techno shrugged, drinking his coffee in silence. 

“Well, breakfast is ready. Techno, go get Phil,” Wilbur said, bringing plates full of food to the table. 

Techno does this and returns a moment later. Tommy has already started to frantically fill his plate. 

Food. Food was...rare. Especially this much. 

He plies his plate high with pancakes and drowns them in syrup. He’s already started tearing through them by the time Phil arrives. 

Techno watches in disgust. Wilbur watches in shock. Phil snaps a finger, pulling them from their trances. 

Tommy doesn't notice. He's too focused on eating all the food as fast as he can. 

“H-Hey kid, you can slow down. It's not going anywhere,” Phil assured him. 

“Not a kid,” he mumbles before stuffing his mouth. 

“Yeah you are,” Wilbur said. “You're only sixteen. Child!”

“Wil, you're not even nineteen yet. You're also a child,” Tehcno mumbled. 

Wilbur pouts and eats his food. 

Tommy finished before Phil is even done making his overly sweetened coffee. Phil sits, doesn't comment on Tommy’s now empty plate.

Techno looks irritated. He rolls his neck, pushes his food around and keeps shifting in his seat.

It was about to set Tommy off. As much as he wanted to tell and scream and fight--he also just wanted a few nights not in a prison cell.

A warm bed.

Maybe if he talked to Phil about getting medication he'd be able to tolerate Techno’s restlessness. He wondered if Phil would switch the meds like Dream did.

It was a sick thought. Phil was good. He did know that. It did not stop the fear in the back of his mind from screaming at him. Screaming warnings with no reasoning. 

“Tommy?” Phil’s voice asked, scaring him.

He looks up at Phil. He brushed aside the fear still rattling around in his head.

“W-What?” he asked, face warming. 

“I asked if you needed to go shopping, get more clothes and new bedding,” Phil said. “School supplies, that type of stuff.”

“Oh, you don’t have to get me anything,” Tommy insisted. 

Phil frowned. “That’s part of my job being your parent and shit.”

“Oh.” 

Dream made him work for these things. He had his backpack taken for a whole week once because the dishes hadn’t been cleaned to Dream’s standards. Three weeks he’d lost his bedding because he spoke out of turn. 

The idea of someone simply buying him something and not taking it away instantly was strange. He didn’t know what to make of it. 

“I can pay for it,” he said dismissively, getting up to clean his dish. 

Phil didn’t say anything else. Tommy rinsed off his dishes and slipped them into the dishwasher like he’d seen Wilbur do last night when he arrived. 

“Can I go to my room,” he asks, not making eye contact with any of them.

“Course you can,” Phil says. 

-

Tommy stuffs his money into his back pocket and hurries down the stairs and out the door after Phil. Phil unlocks the car doors and climbs in. 

“We can get you a phone too, if you’d like,” he offered. “I don’t know if you have one or not.” 

“I--” 

He used to have one. Behind Dream’s back. His friend gave him his old one. Dream had found out. That’s what got his bedding taken away. 

“I don’t have one. You don’t have to get me one. Seriously, you don’t,” he said as Phil backed out. “I don’t need a lot. I’m just here for a few nights, really. Missed having a warm bed is all.”

“You don't have to leave,” Phil said. 

He said it like it was simple. Tommy knew better than to believe that. He wasn't stupid. 

“Whatever you say big man,” Tommy decided.

He also knew better than to argue when he couldn't run away. He tried running away in a car once. He’d scraped himself up pretty bad. And gotten a pretty good beating from Dream. No bed for a week. No good for two days. 

He shuddered at the memory. 

“I--Well there's a few things I wanted to talk about,” Phil said. 

“I'm not going to kill you or your kids,” Tommy said dismissively. 

“No, that's not what I wanted to say, actually.”

Tommy lowered his eyes to his feet. He fidgeted with the zipper on his coat. God he hated car rides. 

“I wanted to say that I know you've been through a lot and your social worker said you hadn't been to therapy in a while. I wanted to put it out there, if you wanted to go. Techno and Wil see the same therapist. We could start there--” 

“Sure.”

“Okay, great. I'll make an appointment.” 

There was silence for a moment. 

“Your file...did Dream tell you you have ADHD? It says you were diagnosed while you were there…” he said quietly. 

Tommy swallows the lump in his throat. “Y-yeah. I knew. He gave me medicine he said was for that...The cops said it was what people use for date rape or whatever…” 

“Did he--”

“No! No, he didn't. He just wanted me unable to fight back,” Tommy assured him. 

Phil shifted in his seat, rolling with anger. 

“Relax big man. He’s dead.”

Phil frowned. “It doesn't bother you that you did that? You say it like it’s nothing.”

Tommy shrugged. “I don't care. I would do it again. I'm free.”

Phil fell silent for the rest of the ride. He didn't seem upset or angry, so Tommy considered this a win. 

The trip was fine. He bought Tommy a phone, some new clothes, bedding, a poster Tommy liked and school supplies. 

The trip ended in the pair at an ice cream parlor. Tommy was getting a big restless after being out all day, but he couldn't turn down ice cream. 

“Hi Phil!” exclaimed the boy behind the counter. He waved happily. 

“Hi Tubbo. How are you?” Phil replies with a smile. 

“Good! Do you want your usual?”

“Yes please,” he said. 

“You're new,” Tubbo said point blank to Tommy. “I don't know what you want?”

He tilted his head. 

“Yeah, ‘cause I've never met you before,” Tommy snarked. 

Tubbo looked over to Phil for an explanation. 

“Tubbo, this is Tommy. I'm fostering him. Tommy, this is Tubbo,” he said. 

“Nice to meet you! What do you want?”

“Um...superhero. In a cone,” Tommy decided quickly. 

It wasn't really what he wanted, but he panicked. He hated making choices. 

Tubbo got them their ice creams and accepted the cash from Phil. 

“How old are you?” Tubbo asked Tommy. 

“Sixteen,” Tommy said. 

“Oh cool! We’re in the same grade then,” Tubbo said happily. 

“Uh, yeah. Exciting.”

Tommy didn't really want to make friends. He wasn't staying long. Probably just the end of the week. 

Phil told him to tell Niki and Eret 'hello' and started towards the door. Tommy followed in silence eating his ice cream. 

“Tubbo’s a good kid,” Phil assured him. “His siblings run the place.”

“Okay,” Tommy said flatly. 

He didn't want friends here. He didn't want attachments. 

Dream said attachments made you weak, vulnerable. People could hurt you. 

That's why Tommy wasn't allowed things. That's why he took them away. So he could never grow attached. Dream said he was making him stronger that way. 

Now Tommy just felt conflicted between liking Tubbo and knowing he’d probably be gone by the end of the month. He licked up the ice cream as it melted into his hand and elected to ignore the issue.

Once Tubbo learned what he did, he wouldn't want to be friends with him, anyway.


	4. we are empty, we are lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first day of school could have gone better for tommy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mentions of death, kinda of suicidal thoughts at the end (lmk if theres any others) 
> 
> hello hello, thank you all for nearly 600 hits in just three days???? thats insane. i hope you guys and enjoying! be sure to leave kudos and comments, they make brain go brrrrrr (if you want to, of course <3) 
> 
> anyway, i love you. happy reading <3

Tommy knew people would know who he was and what he’d done. He'd anticipated that even. 

But it was so much worse. 

People were genuinely scared of him. He thought he'd like that. He didn't. He hated it actually. It made the anxiety of a new school even worse. The hallways cleared around him, paving a clear path to the front office.

Both of his siblings had since graduated so he was forced to endure the first day on his own. He headed into the administration office and let them know who he was. He was sure they knew anyway.

The last made sure that he knew where the counseling center was in case he was feeling violent. She didn’t say it quite like that, but that was the gist of it. He just glared at her until he received his schedule. Then he was off. 

He unloaded his supplies in his locker and made his way to his first class. The moment he walked in he regretted it. The entire class fell silent except for Tubbo. 

Of course Tubbo was there. (Tommy would never admit how grateful he was for this.) 

“Tommy! You can come sit with us,” Tubbo said eagerly, patting the seat next to him. 

The guy to his left was tall and lanky. He just watched Tommy in silence, but not with the same fear-stricken silence of the rest of the class. 

The rest of the class seemed to move away from him like he was the plague. This was probably his best bet. 

He sat down. 

“Hey,” he decided to say. 

Tubbo smiled, seeming oblivious to the rest of the classes staring. “Hi! This is Ranboo.”

That's a dumb name, Tommy thought. But then again, his foster brother's full name was Technoblade. Who was he to judge?

“Hi,” Ranboo said with a wave. 

“Let me see your schedule,” Tubbo said to Tommy, holding out a hand. 

Tommy passed it over. No attachments, he reminded himself. Tubbo would simply make the next month or so bearable. 

“We have lunch together. And gym,” Tubbo said with a smile. 

“Cool.”

Tubbo went on to explain where they sat during lunch. Tommy was half listening to Tubbo and half listening to the whispering around them. He drug his fingernails into his palms, wanting everyone to just shut up. 

He was about to cover his ears to silence the world when the bell rang. It startled him and silenced the class. They all settled down and turned to the front of the room. 

Almost every class went on this way. 

Lunch was bearable because there were so many people that no one seemed to notice him. Gym was fine because they were just running laps. Everyone moved quickly past them, but that could be due to the fact that they were genuinely running the laps.

Him, Ranboo and Tubbo just walked. He listened as they talked about different video games they played together. He didn't get it, he’d been locked up for nearly a year and before that Dream didn't let him play video games. How would he get it?

He liked them though. They were good company. 

Correction: bearable company until he left. 

-

“Why does everyone keep whispering about you,” Tubbo asked as they walked to their lockers at the end of the day. 

Ranboo looked up from his phone. He looked at Tommy curiously. 

“You guys don’t know….?” 

“Haven’t got a clue,” Tubbo said, looking up at him. 

Tommy hated the innocence in his eyes. He forced himself to look away, despite Tubbo being the only person he wasn’t scared to look in the eyes. 

“I killed my foster dad,” Tommy said, stopping in front of his locker. 

Tubbo and Ranboo didn’t say anything. 

He looked back up at them. They were looking at him expectantly, waiting for more details. 

“He was going to kill me if I didn’t kill him,” Tommy said in a low voice. “He was an abusive dick and now he’s dead.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ranboo said quietly. “That you had to go through that.”

“At least you have Phil now, he’s a good guy,” Tubbo said with a smile. 

Tommy was at a loss for words. They weren’t running away, calling him a monster. They didn’t damn him to hell. They didn’t...they didn’t care. 

“Did you guys hear me? I killed him,” Tommy said, opening up his locker. 

“We heard you.” 

“You don’t care?” 

“I’ve seen my siblings do some pretty fucked up shit because my parents were assholes, I get it,” Tubbo shrugged. “You gotta do what you gotta do.” 

“Okay, but--” 

“I honestly will probably forget. I have a very bad memory.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” 

Tubob shrugged. “I don’t think it’s fair to define you by your past actions. Besides, you don’t seem like you're going to kill us.”

“Yeah, and if your dad was going to kill you…” Ranboo shrugged. 

Tommy wasn’t sure how to respond. No one had ever reacted so nonchalantly before. He stuffed his bag with the stuff he needed and walked with Ranboo and Tubbo to their lockers. 

He suppressed the smile of relief. He hadn’t realized how good it could feel to be accepted despite his mistakes. They didn’t sugar coat it, lie about it or any of it. 

They met the truth head on and accepted it. 

Maybe they could be more than just bearable. 

-

“How was school,” Phil asked as he climbed into the back seat. 

Wilbur was in the front drinking an iced coffee. Every impulse in him was screaming at him to grab the cup and chuck it out the window. 

He wasn't sure why. He was so tired today. Maybe he just wanted to prove everyone right. Prove just how violent he could be. Playing up to everyone’s expectations had always been easier. Had meant the difference between death and survival. 

“Shit. Everyone looks at me like a freak,” Tommy said in a low voice. “It’s exhausting.” 

“Well, you did kill someone,” Wilbur said without looking up. 

“Wil,” Phil scolded. 

Tommy shrugged. “He’s right. Doesn’t make it any less exhausting.” 

Wilbur stuck his tongue out at Phil. 

“Your life doesn’t need to revolve around that event,” Phil assured Tommy. “Prove the assholes wrong or whatever.” 

“Prove them wrong,” Tommy echoed. 

Hard to prove them wrong when they’re so painfully right. He considered all the things whispered behind his back. Murderer, monster, unstable. How could he deny the truth? 

He closed his eyes, blocking out the blinding sun. As sunspots danced on the back of his eyes, he was reminded of how painfully he missed the stars. It was silly, but it made the nights bearable in Dream’s house. Being able to push back the curtains and try to count them all. 

It all hit him so hard, so fast, he didn’t know he was crying under Wilbur and gently shook him to get his attention. He opened up his eyes, looking at a blurry Wilbur. 

“Hey, kid,” he said quietly. “You good?” 

“I-I’m not a kid,” he choked out. He opened his mouth again but all that came out was an ugly, ugly sob. 

Tired. He was oh so tired. He tried to tell Wilbur, Phil. All that came out was hysterical babbling. 

He didn’t know when but Wilbur had climbed into the back seat with him, wrapping him up in a hug. Tommy fell into it. It was nice to be held, he thought quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” he babbled, unsure why he had even started crying to begin with. He took a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. 

“It’s okay,” Wilbur assured him. “It happens. Even murderer’s need to let it out sometimes.” 

“‘M a big man. Big men don’t cry,” Tommy sniffled, rubbing at his eyes. 

Wilbur sat back so he could look at him. 

Tommy’s mind screamed at him to look away. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t stare. Wilbur’s gaze was captivating. He could not look away. 

“You’ve been through a lot. I know you’re a big man, I know you’ve killed someone...It all builds up though, yeah? Like when Techno procrastinates all his homework and gets himself worked up. It all bubbles over and he breaks down. It’s a human response,” Wilbur explains. “It’s healthy to let it out.” 

Tommy scoot back in his seat, Wil’s touch suddenly feeling like fire. 

He killed Dream. He was tough. Strong.

He wrote that narrative to survive. He was a villain, a bad guy. He let himself be a monster to survive Dream, the trial and the time he spent in jail. 

“Do you think I’m a monster,” he asked Wilbur. 

“No. I think we lie to ourselves like that sometimes. We write these narratives...It’s easier to hate ourselves than not. It makes it easier to justify our actions…” 

“What are you, my shrink?” Tommy snapped.

Wilbur just laughed. Phil climbed back in the car, tossing his phone in his cup holder. 

Tommy hadn’t even noticed that he’d left. 

“You okay?” he asked, looking at Tommy in the rear view mirror. “I made you a therapy appointment for next week.” 

Tommy nodded. “Sorry. I’m just tired.” 

It was an exhaustion that would never end. He wanted to sleep forever, live among the stars. Not have to survive. Not have to heal. Not be a monster. Simply, just not be.


	5. you could cut yourself open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy goes to therapy + wilbur's backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for death, as per usual. don't think there's anything else too bad here, but lmk:)
> 
> soo therapist puffy & uh...sally the salmon is in this...kinda but nothing really. um...yeah lol.
> 
> thanks for the feedback on the last chapter <333 enjoy this one:)

Tommy looked across the room at the therapist. She had white, curly hair dyed rainbow at the tips. 

“How is it staying at Phil’s,” she asked. 

Tommy looks down at his shoes, then the painting across the room. “I like Phil.” 

She nods. “Good. And his sons, Wilbur and Techno?” 

“Wilbur is okay. Techno’s kind of an asshole,” he said. He braced himself to get yelled at for swearing but the therapist just laughs. 

“Techno is hard to get along with,” she agreed. 

He nods. Try impossible. 

“But you feel safe,” she asks. 

He nods. He's surprised to find that, without hesitation, yes, he feels safe. “For the first time in a long time. Except when Techno’s upset. Not that he'd hurt me...it just makes me nervous.”

She nods in understanding. “I'm glad to hear that. Would you feel comfortable talking about your time with Dream, at all? Any of it…”

“He was a dick,” he said carelessly. “Dunno why everyone is so concerned with him. He can't do anything anymore.”

She nodded. “Does what you did bother you?”

“Not really. I did what I needed to do. I just wish people would stop acting like I didn't kill someone, though. It's weird. They try and sugar coat it, twist it in some way.”

“You want people to think of you as a murderer,” she asks. 

He shakes his head no. “No. I don't like that really either. I just want everyone to move on. I killed him. It's okay. I want to forget he even existed.”

“That's not how healing works--”

“I don't need to heal from shit,” Tommy cut her off.

-

Wilbur sat on the back porch, looking up at the sky. 

“Can’t see shit out here,” Tommy said, taking a seat next to him. “Dream’s house...middle of no where. A farm. Zero light pollution. Could see the whole milky way.” 

“Can’t even find the big dipper,” Wilbur grumbled. 

Tommy looked up. “Okay. See that bright star, right there?” 

“Yeah?” 

“That’s part of it. See, it’s….there,” he traced the lines of the big dipper. 

“Cool,” Wilbur whispered. 

“Not really. I just got bored at night. Couldn’t sleep. Took up stargazing,” he said quietly. 

“Can’t sleep tonight?” Wilbur asks. 

Tommy shrugs. “New places are hard to sleep in. Miss Puffy wants me to take mel-oh-tone-in. Whatever that is.” 

“Melatonin,” Wilbur said. “I take that when I can’t sleep.”

He nods. “Cool.” 

“You like Miss Puffy,” Wilbur asks. 

Tommy shrugs because he doesn’t not like her. He just hates talking about his problems. He doesn’t trust adults not to tattle on him, get him in trouble. He has to remind himself that Dream isn’t there to beat him because he couldn’t focus in math class. 

“She’s fine. Just not a fan of therapists,” he said. “Don't like talking about the murder all the time. There's more to me than that.”

Tubbo and Ranboo’s words. Not his. There was more to him that being a murderer. He was starting to believe it.

Wilbur nods. “It'll happen eventually. It takes time, but people stop looking at you like a zoo exhibit eventually.”

Tommy looked away from the sky, and over to him. He raised an eyebrow. 

“My episode,” Wilbur said grimly. “My girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant. We were kids...I told her that if she chose to have the kid I'd help out in any way I could. She ran away the next day.”

“Shit.”

Wilbur laughed. “Yeah, shit.”

“What happened after that?”

“I was so close to getting adopted you know. I'd been there for five years. They weren't thrilled my girlfriend was pregnant but they were willing to help out...they were good. I had to be taken away from my birth family as a kid because they neglected me, abandoned me when they realized taking care of a kid was too much. When Sally left it hit a little close to home.”

“I'm sorry.”

Wilbur waved a dismissive hand. “I spiraled really fast. I smashed my guitar, threw it out the window...I tore my whole room apart. I...I only remember what the report said really. I put their biological kids' lives at risk...they didn't feel safe with me in the house. Which again was triggering…then three years ago I ended up with Phil and he didn't give up even when I had an episode.”

Tommy fell silent. “Did Sally have the kid?”

“No idea. I tried reaching out to her parents, but they said she filed a restraining order after the episode. If she had the kid I’ll never meet them.”

“That's sad.”

He shrugged. “I can't change what happened. Can only work on getting better.” 

“Getting better…”

“Yeah, going to therapy, trying to sleep alone--that second one hasn't gone very well--meditating. Shit like that.”

Tommy just nods. “The night I killed Dream he told me if I lived to the morning he’d never let me leave and each day would be my own personal hell.”

“Jesus christ…” Wilbur muttered, looking over at him. 

“I had told my teacher what Dream did and CPS showed up at the house and...god he just barely got away with it.”

“You don't have to--”

“Yes I do. We're sharing sob stories. It's called bonding.”

Wilbur laughed under his breath. 

“Anyway, after the lady left he turned on me. Beat me up pretty good but I kicked him in the balls, grabbed a knife and ran. When he found me, I slashed the back of his ankle so he couldn't run...I threw a lamp at him. I stabbed him in the face…He would have done ten times worse to me.”

“Fucking hell.”

Tommy fought the smile creeping onto his face. The same one he wore when cops found him laughing hysterically over Dream's body. 

“Phil knows how to pick 'em, huh,” Wilbur asks, nudging his side. 

Tommy laughs. “Is Techno just as fucked as us?”

“Nah. His origin story's just sad. And not for me to tell.”

Tommy frowned. He was hoping to hear another story today. 

“We should head inside,” Wilbur said, standing up and stretching. 

“Hey Wil?”

“Yeah?”

“Was it a boy or a girl?” he asked. 

Wilbur raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

“The baby. Did you know if it was a boy or a girl?”

“Girl,” he said quietly. “It was a girl.”

Tommy followed him inside in silence. He paused at his door. 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” he asked, casting his eyes down to the old carpet. 

Wilbur smiled. “Of course.”

Wilbur and Tommy laid with their backs pressed against each other. 

Tommy decided that maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Life here with Phil. 

Not that he was growing attached to any of them.


	6. the pressure crushes you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tommy finally bonds with technoblade, but things take an unfortunate turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for the first section: tommy gets a lil overstimulated ; tw for the last section: eret talks about a bad experience coming out  
> (lmk if i need to add others)
> 
> multiple pronouns for eret !!! 
> 
> every single character in this needs a break hit i like angst so they don't get it <3

Tommy sat at the kitchen table, glaring at his homework.

Hes moments away from throwing the clock off the wall behind him. Even less away from snapping his pencil in two and throwing it away. Considerably less time from a panic attack. 

He could already feel his chest heaving. 

He wants to scream because why can't he just focus on his damn homework. Why? Why? Why? 

He stared down at the words but nothing makes any sense. 

His sweater feels too heavy suddenly. Too warm, too itchy. The clock feels like it's getting louder--how is it doing that?

He can't fucking breath in his sweater. 

He shoves the chair back hard. It tips over and the noise is almost unbearable. He whimpered, clawing at the sweater, trying to get it off. 

He's crying, he thinks. Maybe. He can't tell. 

God the clock is so loud. He covers his ears dropping to his knees. 

He wasn't sure when Techno came into the room. It's moments later that he has noise cancelling headphones on and Techno is moving his hands in front of him. 

He knows some sign language. His cellmate had taught him some. 

He spells out the words he doesn't know, but it works. Eventually they get to Tommy’s room and he can change into a t-shirt and get out of his jeans. He sits under the window, letting the cool air wash over him. 

Techno sits on the edge of the bed. 

‘Breath with me.’

He does. 

It takes a long time for him to settle down even a little bit. Eventually he can take off the head phones. He can't stand the idea of putting on the sweater again but he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and wraps himself in a soft blanket. 

“You okay,” Techno asks, keeping his voice quiet. 

“Yeah...that happens sometimes,” Tommy said dismissively. 

Techno nods. “It sucks, doesn't it?”

Tommy nods. He closes his eyes. The light is too bright. 

“Where did you learn sign langauge?” he asked Techno. 

“I get really worked up sometimes and can't talk. Phil taught me. Dunno how he knows. What about you?”

“Prison.”

“You were actually in jail?”

“Why is everyone surprised by that. I killed a man, yes I went to jail,” Tommy said, feeling more and more tired. 

“Oh. I thought you killed him...recently.”

“No, it was about a year ago. My therapist in jail said I didn't pose a threat to myself or others so when retrial came the jury was lenient.”

Techno said nothing. 

Tommy rubs at his eyes, feeling tired. 

“You can take a nap if you want. Phil won't be home with dinner for a bit.”

“Can we...I wanna watch a movie.”

“Okay. Come on,” Techno said, offering a hand to help him up. 

Tommy didn't let go as they walked down the stairs to the living room. He wasn't sure why, really. 

All he knew was that he was tired. He fell asleep leaning against Techno. Despite being certain the guy hated him, his presence was comforting. 

-

Tommy wakes up on the couch to Wilbur’s yelling. He’s no longer leaning against Techno which confuses him at first. 

Then he hears Techno’s voice. He's yelling right back at Wilbur. 

“I'm not leaving you for him. I'm not picking favorites, he had a bad day!” Techno yells. 

“You don't spend time with me anymore!”

“Wilbur we share a bedroom. I spend nearly every second of my day with you!”

Tommy sits up now. He rubs at his eyes, his brain slow to process the argument at hand. 

“First Phil, now you!” Wilbur exclaims. 

“Don't drag me into this,” Phil begs. 

Tommy stood up, wrapping the blanket tighter around himself. He doesn't remember when but he must have put on a shirt at some point. 

“I won't get left behind just because some kid murdered someone,” Wilbur sobs. 

And then Tommy is running. He's out the door and down the street before he knows where he's going. He's not even sure if they noticed him leave. 

He doesn't even know why he ran. He just knew that didn't want to sit there and drive a perfectly good family apart. He had hurt Wilbur. He didn't want to hurt anyone. It was not worth the warm bed if all he did was hurt people. 

He stops at a corner, out of breath. Probably crying. He calls one of the few contacts in his phone: Tubbo. 

“Hi Tommy!” Tubbo greets. 

“Tubbo...I need a ride.”

“Oh, okay. I'll ask Eret, hold on,” he said and Tommy heard him moving around. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine...maybe. I'll explain when you come get me.”

“Okay, sure.”

He hears a muffled conversation, the sound of keys. 

“We’ll be at Phil’s in a few minutes.”

“Wait no. I'm not home. I'm...I got upset. I ran away. I just need to be somewhere else for a while.”

There's silence for a moment. 

“Where are you?”

Tommy looks around him for a moment, spotting a road sign. He reads off the names of the streets and sits down under the sign to wait. 

“We’ll be there in a minute.”

-

Tommy sits next to him in the back seat.

“I'm sorry,” Tubbo says quietly. “Sounds like a long day.”

Tommy nods.

“Wil’s a good guy. He's just got some things to work through,” said Tubbo’s older sibling, Eret. 

“I thought him and I were okay. We shared tragic backstories and bonded and shit. I thought we were doing okay...and then he just got so upset and it was all because I was there,” Tommy whispered. 

“I'm sure he wasn't mad at you.” 

Tommy shrugged. He was honestly too tired to care anymore. 

“I'm sorry for inviting myself over. I didn’t know where else to go,” he said after a moment. 

“Oh it's no trouble. You're welcome anytime,” Eret assured him. 

-

Tubbo’s house was nice. It was warm and comforting. 

His older sister Niki dotted over Tommy, making sure he was comfortable. She kept checking in on them in the living room. 

Distantly Tommy could hear Eret talking on the phone. He heard his name a couple times but tried to ignore it. He knew Eret had called Phil. 

He couldn't help the anxiety building in him. What if Phil was mad? What if they made him leave?

The next time Niki came to check on them, he cracked. He whimpered that he wasn't okay and Niki sat down with them, walking him through some breathing exercises and assuring him that it was okay. 

Then he's crying. He's crying and Tubbo holds his hand the whole time. Letting him know he is there. 

Tommy does not let go. 

Not until Eret places a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. He holds it close to his chest and sniffles. 

“‘M sorry,” he whispered. 

“That's okay. Do you want to talk about it,” Niki asks kindly. 

Tommy shrugs. 

“Talking helps,” Eret said. “But it's okay if you aren't comfortable.”

“It's just...I don't want to have to leave them,” he admitted. 

It had been nearly two weeks but the thought of leaving that house, that family. He felt sick thinking about it. 

“I'm scared they're mad at me now. That Phil’s going to be mad that I upset Wilbur…” 

“Phil doesn't really get mad,” Eret said thoughtfully. “Phil was our first customer, you know. He’s a really good guy. Helped us out with Tubbo, he wants to help everyone he can. That includes you.”

“I didn't know he did that.”

Niki nodded. “Phil won't hate you.”

Tommy rubs at his eyes. He's very tired. 

“Tubbo, why don't you show him your room. Maybe he can get some rest,” Niki suggests. 

And Tommy does get some sleep. For a while. It's nearly two in the morning when he finds himself walking around the house. 

He wasn't snooping, really. He just wanted some water. 

He found Eret in the kitchen with papers scattered around him, his laptop illuminating the dark kitchen. 

They look exhausted. 

Eret looks over her shoulder with mild concern. “Everything okay?” 

Tommy nods. “Just wanted some water if that's okay?” 

“Go for it.”

Tommy grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it up with water. 

“Thank you for letting me stay tonight. I know it was really last minute,” Tommy says, despite already having been told it was fine. It didn't feel fine. He felt guilty. 

He suspected Miss Puffy might say that it has something to do with his trauma. That he was used to feeling indebted for basic human decency and small acts of kindness. Something like that. 

“It's okay, really,” Eret said. “We know what it's like, so we're here--”

“Know what, what is like?” 

“You know, trauma. All that fun stuff,” Eret said. “Life sucks, but you gotta make the best of it.”

“Great advice.”

“Easier said than done, right?” Eret laughs. They looked down at their laptop before closing it up. “When we moved here we had nothing. We had enough savings to put down a deposit on an apartment and a month of groceries…I had just come out and it had not gone well. It forced Niki to come out too. It did not go well at all. Our parents sucked. So we took Tubbo and we left.”

“Isn't that illegal…?” Tommy asked. 

“Kind of? Phil helped us get legal custody of Tubbo and gave us jobs while Niki and I got business degrees. After that we opened up the ice cream shop.”

“You didn't have to tell me that you know,” Tommy said. 

Eret smiled. “I have a point.”

Tommy gestured for him to go on. 

“Before we met with Phil we did some not so great things to get by. My point is: despite all of that Phil wanted to help. Despite Techno’s initial dislike toward us, Phil didn't give up on us. I know you might think that because Wilbur’s already adopted he can change Phil’s mind on  
you...I bet my life that Phil will fight for you until he's dead.”

“Techno didn't like you guys?” Tommy asked, ignoring the sentimental bit. He remembered Phil saying that Techno ran here during Tommy’s first night. 

“Nope. No particular reason. He just...didnt.” 

“Huh.”

“Give them time. They’ll come around. You're a good kid.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Now go get some sleep.”


	7. emotions run particularly deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy returns home & bonds with his new family. He also meddles in Wilbur's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure if this needs any trigger warnings. let me know :)
> 
> i'm not sure about the um ...direction i took the chapter but enjoy <3

Tommy steps inside the house. 

It's eerily silent. Tommy feels like he's walked into a trap. Instead he finds his foster family sitting around the table nursing cups of coffee. 

There's a cup of hot chocolate waiting for him in his usual seat. He bites back a smile. 

“Hey, Tommy, why don't you sit with us. I thought we should all talk,” Phil said kindly. 

Tommy took his seat next to Wilbur who looked exceptionally anxious. Tommy avoided looking at him. It made him feel like shit. 

“I didn't mean to upset anyone,” Tommy said quietly. 

“No, no, you did nothing wrong,” Phil assured him.

“You aren't mad at me,” Tommy asks. 

Phil shakes his head no. “No, of course not. It's just that Wil--Wil, why don't you explain?” 

Tommy forced himself to look at Wilbur. “I was scared. I shouldn't have made a scene. It's...I know it wasn't rational. I couldn't help it. I know you aren't actually like...stealing Techno and Dad. I just panicked.”

“I shouldn't have run,” Tommy said. “I-Whenever Dream was upset it didn't end well. I panicked and ran.”

“I'd never hurt you,” Wilbur says instantly. 

Tommy smiles. Just a little because he knows that's true. He looks down at his drink. 

“I'm glad you called Tubbo. I would say it was responsible if you hadn't just ran out of the house with nothing…” Phil said with a shrug. “Eret said you're always welcome there if you ever need to get away, okay?” 

Tommy nods, gratitude flooding him. In the last few years he hadn't even had one safe haven. Now he had two. 

“What Wil was saying yesterday...Tommy you're a part of this family, okay?” Phil reassured him.

And Tommy nearly started sobbing like a baby. A part of the family? He hates the joy that surges in him. He tries to hide it. 

“Can we have a movie day?” Wilbur asks quietly, changing the subject.. 

“Can we watch Moana?” Tommy asks. “I like Moana.”

Him and Tubbo had tried to watch it last night but he'd gotten upset so they had to stop. Which sucked because he was enjoying the movie. 

Both the boys turn to look at Phil who nods. “I'll get the popcorn.”

“I'll get the blankets,” Techno said.

Both Wilbur and Tommy bee-line for the couch. They both barely fit on the couch, being a tangle of limbs. 

“Is that comfortable?” Phil asked, handing them a bowl of popcorn to share. 

“Very much so,” Wilbur nods. 

Neither of them move much during the day. They continue to sit as a mess of limbs. Distantly, Tommy thinks they're starting to act more like brothers every day. 

He has to remind himself that he's not supposed to be attached. This place is temporary. 

It's hard to feel temporary when you're adding to the family. When you've got a brother. 

All good things must come to an end. 

-

Tommy goes to sit on the back porch and look at the stars. He does this most nights because sleep is still next to impossible for him. 

He's surprised to see Techno sitting there instead of Wilbur, though. This was Wilbur’s spot. It was strange seeing the pink haired boy in his place.

“Oh,” he says quietly, not sure if Techno had planned on having company.

Techno turns around and looks up at him. “You can sit if you'd like.”

Tommy does. He takes a seat next to him. 

“Wil says you taught him about the stars,” Techno says quietly. 

Tommy nods. 

“He likes you, you know. He's happy you're here. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true.”

“And you?” Tommy asks. 

Techno shrugs. “I'm still not sure about you.”

“That's fair,” Tommy admits. It had only been two weeks. He hesitated for a moment before asking: “How mad would Wilbur be if I tried to track down Sally…” 

He'd been thinking about it ever since Wilbur told him about it. 

Techno looked over at him. “He told you about Sally?” 

Tommy nods, turning to look at him. 

“He...he doesn't tell many people that. Usually takes him a while. He really likes you.”

Tommy’s heart surged with joy. Wilbur likes having him there. Phil wouldn't kick him out if Wilbur was happy.  
“And if I tracked her down…”

“What, like a stalker?” 

“No like a phone book, facebook, instagram...anything.”

Techno sits in silence for a moment. “If you got in contact with her...and she wanted nothing to do with him…”

“I wouldn't tell him that.”

Techno shrugs. “Then I don't see the harm. Her parents said she put out a restraining order, but honestly...From what I understand Sally’s parents hated him. Loathed him. Wouldn't be surprised if they lied.”

Tommy nods. He looks back up at the sky. He's content to sit in silence, Techno fidgets anxiously.

“What is it?”

“You're a good kid, is all. Didn't deserve the shit you got.”

“That's how life works,” Tommy shrugged. “We all deserve better.”

Techno shrugged. “I guess that's true.”

“You guess?” 

“Some people deserve worse?”

“Oh?” Tommy raised an eyebrow. 

“Dream deserved a more painful death,” Techno said quietly. “I hate what he did to you.”

“Me too.” 

Techno smiled a bit. “My brother killed my parents. Um biological brother, not Wil.”

“Shit,” Tommy said quietly, turning to look at him fully. 

“No reason. Just for fun. He’s in jail for double homicide…” Techno says. “My brother deserves worse than the sentence he got. But I brought it up because I wanted to say that it was why I freaked out so badly when you came here.”

“Why would Phil take me in when he knew--”

“He didn't. Not really. He knew my parents died and that's why I was in the system...but that's it.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to like...trigger anything.”

“That's what therapy is for,” Techno shrugged. “You're a good kid. I'm glad you're staying with us.”

-

Dear Sally, 

My name is Tommy. You don't know me. I don't even know you. Whatever. I'm Wilbur's foster brother. Remember Wilbur? I hope so!

I'm writing this letter in the hopes that you and Wilbur could reconnect. He told me about you and your daughter. I think he’d like to meet her. 

Oh also it'd be cool if you sent a picture. I'd like to give it to him as a present. 

Also, he doesn't know I'm sending this. I'd like it to be a surprise if you agree.

-Tommy 

-

Tommy has Techno mail out the letter from his university’s mail room. Phil and Wilbur are none the wiser. 

Tubbo and Ranboo find him at his locker that next day at school, asking how things were at home. Tommy assured them that it was okay. A misunderstanding and him and Wil are fine.

He told them about movie night. Before he could continue, Ranboo and Tubbo fell into an argument about the better Disney movie: Tangled or Frozen. 

Tommy just listened as they walked to their first class. 

He didn't particularly have an opinion on Disney movies. He was content to listen to them. He usually was.

-

Five uneventful days days later when he got picked up from school, it was just Phil. Which was...odd because Wilbur didn't like being left home alone. 

“What did you do?” Phil asks, not mad, just tired. 

“What?” Tommy asked, unable to figure out what he’d done. He could feel the panic building up in his chest. 

“Why is Sally at my house with Wilbur?” he demands. 

“Wait what?” he asks, eyes wide. 

“I know Techno wouldn't be dumb enough to try something. So I'm assuming you did something.”

“I wrote her a letter. Just to see if she wanted to reconnect. Didn't expect her to show up,” Tommy said, genuinely surprised. 

Phil said nothing as they drove and Tommy felt like he might be sick. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I didn't mean to.”

He was shaking. 

It was involuntary. He had to force himself to focus, remind himself this was Phil, not Dream. 

Phil was good.

“Tommy, it's okay. I swear,” Phil said as they pulled into the driveway. He turned to him. “It's okay.”

“But I went behind your back and now Sally showed up…”

“It was a bit of a shock yeah, but I haven't seen Wilbur this happy in a long time. No one in his life has come back after leaving. This is good for him.”

Tommy nods. “Is she still here?”

Phil nodded. He hurried after Phil and into the house. He heard laughter coming from the living room. 

Wilbur sat on the floor with a little girl, playing with her. He had a huge smile on his face. Next to them was a pretty girl with light brown hair that fell down her back. She wore a pretty dress. Kind of looks like a mermaid, Tommy thought.

Even Techno was smiling, sitting next to them and smiling. God. He'd done something good. Perhaps he didn't ruin everything he touched. Maybe Dream was wrong.

“Tommy!” Wilbur said happily. He handed the toy over to Sally and rushed towards Tommy. He hugged him tightly.

It had scared the shit out of him but he was so happy to see him happy. 

He heard the little girl babbling and pointing to Wilbur. “Wilby!” she whined, holding her arms out towards him. 

He quickly let go of Tommy returning to the little girl. 

“Hi Tommy,” Sally smiled. “It's very nice to meet you.”

“You too. I didn't expect you to come here,” Tommy admits. 

“Well, I had left because my parents said Wilbur hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. When I learned that was quite the opposite...I wanted Floris to meet him,” Sally explains.

He brushed his hair out of his eyes and Wilbur came around the couch with Floris in his arms. He held the little girl close, a huge smile on his face. 

“Floris, this is your Uncle Tommy, can you say hello?” he said, pointing to Tommy. 

And no. Tommy did not cry. (Not in front of everyone at least.) Floris hid her face in Wilbur’s neck and looked at Tommy shyly. 

“Hey kid,” Tommy waved at her. 

-

Tommy sat out on the back porch. It was late, he couldn’t sleep. Not in Techno and Wilbur’s room. Techno snored. 

Wilbur insisted on Sally and Floris sleeping in Tommy’s room. 

Tommy didn’t want to upset him. Wilbur and Techno’s floor was unbearably comfortable. 

He was surprised when Sally stepped out onto the back porch. 

“It seems this is the place to have conversations,” Tommy said sitting up straighter. 

“Floris couldn’t sleep,” she said sitting down with the little girl in her arms. He smiled, watching as she snuggled into her mothers arms. 

“She looks like Wil,” Tommy whispered. 

Sally smiled down at the kid. “Yeah. She really does...Leaving him hurt so bad. I missed him everyday…” 

“Are you guys going to get together again?” Tommy asked, nosy as ever.

“I’m...I don’t think so. I love him. I do. I have a life back home and he has a life here. He deserves to have Floris in his life, but I don’t think either of us is ready for a relationship,” she said and then laughed softly. “Why am I telling you this?” 

Tommy shrugged. “People tell me a lot of things. It’s very strange.I think this porch is magic.”

She laughed, brushing her little girl’s hair. 

“He’ll be okay though, won’t he?” Tommy asked. “When you leave…”

“I think so. It’s different this time,” Sally whispered. “I’m not leaving. It’s not forever.” 

He nodded. He was worried about Wilbur. About his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um so sally's here heh...and it's baby fundy so he hasn't come out as trans yet..hence thr she/her pronouns and stuff ummm prolly won't be in the fic too much after this but ...like uncle tommy... 
> 
> anyway hope you enjoyed :D


	8. you, my friend, are in a very dark place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one year anniversary of Dream's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for violence, abuse, dissociation, & death 
> 
> thank you so much for all the positive feedback on the last chapter, that means a whole lot <3 
> 
> enjoy !

Tommy watches the CPS lady leave. He can see Dream in his peripheral and he wishes he had told her the truth. He wishes he had the courage to run out the front door with her. 

He wants to sob, to fall down right there and break down. He holds it all in and braces himself. He could cry later. Dream hated when he cried. 

“Tommy,” Dream said in a low voice after the sound of the lady’s car faded away. “Who did you tell?”

Tommy felt sick. He could form the words. He wanted to answer, to tell him about the math teacher who asked about his bruises. 

He couldn't speak. 

“Tommy. Answer me when I speak to you,” Dream snapped, slamming his fist down on the kitchen table. 

Tommy jumped to his feet. He stepped back. He hadn't meant to, really. It was an impulse. A survival instinct. 

“Tommy,” Dream growled. 

“Math teacher,” he managed to spit out. “Asked about the bruises.”

Dream nods. He grabs the centerpiece off the table. 

Tommy knows he can get up to his room faster than Dream. He’s done it before. But that was just for swearing. He'd forgiven Tommy shortly after. This was much, much worse. 

Tommy stepped back again. Dream moved fast, hitting Tommy on the head. He went down instantly.

“Why do you want to leave me so bad! I give you a home, a bed, food. Your own parents couldn't do that! Wouldn't do that. And you're so ungrateful!” Dream shouts. “No wonder they gave you up.”

Tommy wants to protest. He was old enough when he got put into the system to know it was because his parents neglected him. Because they were drug dealers who put him in danger. They'd been forced to give him up and actually put up a decent fight for him. 

They were dead now, according to Dream. Who knows how accurate that is.

Dream was his first home. 

He opened his mouth to apologize but let out a wheeze instead as Dream kicked him. Hard. He did it again and he was certain on the third kick a rib cracked. 

He sobbed. 

“Listen here you little shit, if you're going to be so ungrateful--I'll give you a reason to be ungrateful. If you live to the morning I'm going to make your life hell,” he snarled. 

Tommy was petrified. But as Dream reached down to pick him up, survival instincts kicked in. 

His legs kicked out spastically. He got in a lucky shot. Dream collapsed with a groan of pain. Tommy jumped up, spotting the knife block on the counter. He grabbed the biggest one and ran up to his room. 

-

He sat up fast in bed, drenched in sweat. He barely has a moment to process that he's awake before he's throwing up on his floor. 

He distantly can hear his door open, hears someone yelling for Phil. 

Tommy is hunched over the side of his bed, body trembling. He’s crying, shamelessly. 

He will not need to check the calendar to know what day it is. He knows that a year ago today he killed Dream.

He lets himself be peeled out of bed, out of his clothes except his boxers. He’s placed in a cool tub of water. 

It feels so good.

“Tommy, can you hear me?” a voice asks. 

It's Wilbur’s.

Tommy has to fight the cloudiness in his head. He looks up at him and nods. 

He signs: ‘Can't talk.’

Wilbur’s brows furrow. “Can you spell that out?”

Tommy is so tired but he does it anyway. Then he taps his head and spells out the word “foggy”. 

His side hurts like Dream had just kicked him. Like he never even healed. 

Maybe he never would. 

He stared at the slow dripping faucet. He distantly heard voices but they sounded very far away. He couldn't make himself listen. 

He just kept seeing the anger on Dream’s face that day. It made him feel sick. Not sick like when he's thrown up earlier, but all around sick. 

He pressed his palms to his eyelids, wanting the image to go away. He wanted to stop being haunted by Dream. 

Dream was dead. Why couldn't his memory die with him? 

“Tommy?” Techno’s voice asks. 

Tommy hears it, cutting through the fog. He turns his head and opens his eyes. 

'I'm here’ he signs to Tommy. 

Thank god! Tommy’s mind screams. A life preserver in a dark gray, stormy ocean. Thank god. 

'Anniversary,’ Tommy signs as explanation. ‘One year.’

Techno's frown deepens. 

‘Nightmare?’ 

Tommy nods. A bad one. 

He closes his eyes. He distantly can feel warm, hot tear tracks rolling down his cheeks. There is no fight left in him, he did not fight it as he breaks down sobbing in the bathtub. 

This feels somewhere close to hell. 

The never ending pain continually, rising and rising and then it explodes. And it's so, so painful. 

-

“Are you taking me to see Miss Puffy?” Tommy asked looking up at Phil in the driver's seat. 

“No,” Phil answers. “Her earliest appointment is tomorrow. I wanted to take you to the beach today.”

“The beach?” he asks quietly. 

Phil nods, turning a corner. “It's at a lake, nothing fancy. There's this really great restaurant right there.”

“Shouldn't I be at school?” Tommy raised an eyebrow. 

“Tommy you woke up in the middle of the night and broke down in the bathtub. You aren't going to school today,” Phil insists. 

Tommy’s face burned. He was rather embarrassed about his episode earlier that day. He'd even woken up Sally and the baby who were still there. 

As it turned out he’d thrown up in Techno and Wil’s room. Neither of them seemed to mind much, thankfully. At the very least they weren't mad. 

“It’s not that big a deal,” Tommy lied. 

“Anniversaries are hard,” Phil tells him. “It's a normal reaction to trauma.”

“Fuck that,” Tommy said in a low voice. “Why can't I just move on already?” 

“You have to heal, Toms. I know it's uncomfortable, but sadly forgetting it all isn't an option.”

Tommy fidgets in his seat. “I'm tired.” 

“I know. We don't have to talk about this today if you don't want to. Just a nice day for the two of us okay? Some good old father-son bonding.”

Tommy smiles a bit. 

Father-son bonding. 

How--or even when--he went from just staying for a few weeks to having a father-son bonding day...he wasn't sure. He didn't know the last time he felt this safe, this comfortable. 

He had two brothers and a father that cared, wanted him safe and happy. 

Happy. 

Had he ever been happy?

He looked down at his hands where little crescent moons had formed where he dug his nails in too harshly. This might genuinely be the first time he's felt something resembling happiness in his whole sixteen years of life. 

So Phil and him eat greasy fast food at the beach and spend the day talking. About literally anything they can think of. 

Tommy tells him about the video games Tubbo and Ranboo plays. Phil offers to get him a PC so he can play with them. The idea of getting such an expensive gift fills him with gratitude and tremendous amounts of anxiety. 

Phil tells him about his wife that died before he took in Techno or Wil. It had been her dream to foster and help kids who needed it. He was doing this for her and he loved every second of it.

Phil told him about how much he balanced out the family dynamic. And finally, how he'd like to adopt him some day. If that's what Tommy wanted. 

Tommy didn't answer, which Phil said was fine. He could say no if he wanted. But the offer was there. He could stay here, perfectly safe forever. 

It all felt too good to be true. Too good compared the hell of a morning he had.

-

“I'm sorry that the anniversary took such a toll on you,” Puffy said, folding one leg over the other. “I'm glad your brothers were there for you.”

“Me too. They...They're really good brothers. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it…” Tommy looked up at her. “I know I do, but there's that little voice that tells me I don't. I think it's Dream’s voice honestly. He haunts me and everything I do.”

“It's good to see you're self aware,” Puffy hums. “That's really good.”

“I know I said I didn't want to heal--that I didn't need to...but I never want what happened this morning to make me happen again. I hated every second of it.”

Tommy takes in a shaky breath. He holds it and lets it go. Like Techno and Wil taught him.

“I want to heal or whatever. I don't know how.”

Puffy smiled. “That's what I'm here for. It's a long process, but I assure you: It will be worth it.”

It will be worth it, Tommy assured himself.


	9. we crave love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy's birthday plus bench trio content!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentions of death & violence 
> 
> overall it's fairly wholesome :)

Today was Tommy’s birthday. He's ecstatic. 

It's the first birthday he's gotten to celebrate, truly, in nearly four years. He's over the moon. 

Phil makes him his favorite meal for breakfast. Phil gives him his gift around noon: A PC that Techno promises to help him set up. 

Wilbur gave him a record player with two of his favorite albums. Wilbur claimed Tommy’s music taste was shit and wanted to help him out. Tommy silently vowed to cherish these two vinyls until the day he died. 

Two albums from a band called Modern Baseball. He recalled Wilbur telling him about them one night on the back porch. Mass on the album Holy Ghost was Wilbur’s favorite. 

Techno gave him a box full of...toys? Tommy glanced up at him. 

“How old do you think I am?” Tommy asked, eyebrows raised. 

“No, no. They’re stim toys,” Techno amended. “Some of them are ones I don't use anymore, and I didn't know what you'd like so I got you lots.”

“What?” Tommy asked, confused. 

“They help with all the fidgeting and stuff. Ya know, ADHD stuff,” Techno said, face turning red. “Y-you don't have to use them, obviously. I just thought they might help you.”

Tommy smiled at him. “Thank you.”

That was probably one of the most thoughtful gifts he had ever received. 

“Which is your favorite?” he asked Techno who was quick to jump on the couch next to Tommy. He dug in the box and pulled out what appeared to be a rubber noodle. 

“It stretches out a lot and I like to wrap it around my fingers. I like the texture. It helps me focus when I'm in class. Isn't it cool!” Techno asked, clearly excited to be showing this off to his brother. 

Tommy nods. “Thank you, Techno. Don't think anyone's ever…” 

God he hates that he starts crying.

“No one has ever cared so much that they...Thank you.”

Techno smiled, putting the noodle back in the box. He ruffles Tommy’s hair affectionately because he is not much of a hugger. 

“Oh gosh, I can't follow that!” Sally says with a sweet smile and a slight southern drawl. 

Tommy had insisted Sally stay for a week, for his birthday. Everyone in this house had a very difficult time saying no to Tommy, if only to see his face light up when he got his way.

Sally handed him a small box. “From the two of us.”

“You seriously didn't have to get me anything.”

“Just open it,” she insists. 

Inside is a picture frame. Inside--

God, here come the tears again. 

It's a picture of Tommy, Techno, Wilbur and Phil in the kitchen. It was an early morning; the light barely seeping in. Him, and Wilbur are sat at the breakfast bar while Phil and Techno are cooking. They're all looking at each other. 

It's so peaceful. Its so--

God it's perfect. 

“Thank you, Sally,” he whispered. 

She smiled. “Happy birthday.”

He lets the others see the picture but he doesn't dare let go of it. He holds it close. 

-

That evening Tubbo and Ranboo came over. Phil said they could have a sleepover for his party. 

Tubbo made the three of them friendship bracelets for his present.

Tubbo said that he believed that the best kinds of gifts were homemade. Plus he didn't have the money for an actual gift at the moment. 

Ranboo gave him a journal. Some of the pages were filled with pictures with little captions but most were blank. 

“I-I made you a memory book. I have one of my own because my memory is really bad. I write down all the good things that happen to me so I can go back and read this any time I forget. I thought maybe it'd help you to remember the good things,” Ranboo shrugged. “It's cheesy, but--”

“No, no. It's a really good idea. My therapist wants me to keep a journal anyway,” he said. “This one can be full of good things.”

Ranboo nods. “There's some pictures of us in there. I take a lot of pictures to help with remembering.”

“Can you send me some of these? So I can hang them up?” Tommy smiled as he flipped through them. 

“Sure,” Ranboo said. He looked relieved, honestly, that Tommy liked the gift. 

“Yeah, yeah. Now tell us about Sally!” Tubbo asked eagerly. 

“Sally is super cool,” Tommy grinned. “She has a little accent and her and Wilbur sing songs at night--Did you know Wilbur could sing? I didn't.”

“Are they in love?” Tubbo asks. 

Tommy shook his head. “Not like that. Sally said they love each other very much, but they aren't...like in love, I guess.”

“But they had a kid together?” Tubbo frowns.

“You don't need to be in love to have a kid,” Ranboo points out. 

“Yeah, I know. I just thought maybe it'd be a big romantic thing, her showing up…”

“I thought so too. Sally said it's better this way. As long as Wilbur gets to be a part of his kids' life,” Tommy said. 

Tubbo nods. 

“Wilbur called me Uncle Tommy the other day…” Tommy said. “A-and Phil wants to adopt me.”

“I thought this was temporary?” Ranboo asks.

“I thought so too, Mr. Boo,” Tommy laughs. “I don't think I'm leaving anytime soon.”

Tubbo grins. “Oh thank god! I was scared you'd leave us!”

He jumps over to hug Tommy who laughs and hugs him back. 

“You're clingy,” Tommy laughs. Ranboo nods in agreement.

“No! That's you!”

“Whatever!”

-

The three of them lay smushed together in Tommy’s queen sized bed. None of them want to leave the other out and sleep on the floor and no one wants to be uncomfortable on the floor. 

None of them are sleeping but they're silent, staring at glow in the dark stars. 

“How did you kill Dream?” Tubbo asks, only to be scolded by Ranboo.

“No. It's okay, I don't mind,” he assured Ranboo. “I slashed his ankles so he couldn't run. I stabbed him right in the face. Three times.”

“Shit.”

Tubbo nods in agreement. 

“I shouldn't have asked,” Tubbo says. “Making you dig up shit I'm sure you just want to forget.”

Tommy shrugged. “I don't mind when you guys ask. I mean a lot of it is public knowledge anyway. I was famous for murder.”

“Sometimes I think I want to kill my parents for what they did to Eret and Niki,” Tubbo said. “They...they really hurt them. And now they bust their asses off and put their life on pause for me.”

“They love you.”

“I still feel like shit about it, Tommy.”

Tommy frowns. “That's how I feel when Phil does something big to take care of me. Makes me feel guilty, like I don't deserve it.”

Ranboo makes a wounded sound like he was just kicked in the side. 

“Ranboo?” Tubbo asks. 

“My parents killed people in front of me when I was a kid,” Ranboo whispered. “N-not on purpose. I wasn't supposed to see it. It's why my memory is really bad. It's a trauma response. I dissociate a lot.”

“Shit. I’m sorry,” Tommy said, turning to look at him.

“I don't really remember it, so it's fine,” Ranboo said. “And now I have Sam, my dad. He adopted me shortly after all that. He's really great. You'd like him, Tommy.”

Tommy nodded. “Why are we all so fucked up?” 

“Because life is shit, man.”

Ranboo and Tommy laugh at Tubbo’s bluntness.

“But we have each other,” Ranboo reminds him.

Life is shit, but we have each other. Tommy can't help but smile. He plays with his friendship bracelet as he curls into the blankets. 

Life is shit. Life has thrown him through hell and back and expected him to get by. He thinks that maybe he can do that. He has a family--not to mention two pretty great friends. 

Two friends who are what he has done and do not run. Life is shit, will continue to put him through hell, but at least he's got them.

-

Wilbur and Techno are on the back porch when Tommy comes out. He worms his way between them and they don’t protest in the slightest. 

Wilbur even smiles. 

“Hey kid,” Wilbur grins. “Can’t sleep?” 

Tommy shakes his head. “Ranboo snores.”

Techno laughs quietly. “Wilbur insisted on giving up the room for Sally’s last night and the living room floor is very very uncomfortable.” 

Tommy nods. “Do you guys believe in fate...like destiny or something.” 

“Yes,” Wilbur said. 

“No,” Techno said. 

They both look at each other funny. 

“Why?” Techno asks. 

“Well, it seems everyone around me has been through hell. It’s all so fucked up and I can’t help but wonder if it’s like some greater power or whatever.” 

Wilbur looks up at the sky. “Like the stars?” 

“Yeah, like the stars.”

“A bit existential,” Techno hummed thoughtfully. 

Tommy nods. 

Wilbur shrugged. “I don’t think it’s impossible.” 

Tommy looks down at his slippered feet and frowns. He pulls his knees to his chest. “I think we should blame Phil.” 

This makes his brothers laugh. They both give their audible agreement. 

“You know he wants to adopt me?” Tommy whispered. “He told me.”

Techno lets a smile slip through. “Yeah...I heard.”

“Did you tell him yes?” 

Tommy looked up at Wilbur. “I hadn’t answered him yet. I was thinking about it.” 

“Was,” Techno echoed. 

“I was...now I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to leave. I can’t....Not when I have people who understand. People who care,” Tommy whispered, nudging both of them.

Techno groaned. “That’s so sappy, I’m out.” 

He ruffled Tommy’s hair before getting up and heading inside.


End file.
